Another day. Another trip to the gym. Another day closer to the birth of my third baby.
My two girls were riding along in the car as I was driving home from my daily gym trip. Going daily to the gym to lift weights and do a bit of cardio passes time and helps to keep me slightly sane while I grow little baby in my ever expanding womb.
As I was driving, I was overwhelmed with the realization that today I am losing the battle I wage against myself. I had heard depression referred to as an ongoing battle you fight daily. Today, I was losing it.
My breathing picked up and tears flooded my eyes. I quickly controlled myself and pinpointed what triggered me.
I have been pondering lately a simple question, one that won’t leave me alone.
How do you love others when you do not love yourself?
This question has been nagging at me for days. I sift through my brain trying to think of a way to answer this for myself.
What brought this on was when I realized how reclusive I have become toward my husband, my family, my friends, and even strangers. Guarded. Almost paranoid.
How can you move past yourself and your internal struggles to love others?
What do you tell someone who asks what they can do to help you?
That feeling to push others away comes so often, the feeling of not wanting anyone to get close to me. Of feeling like I’m not good enough for others. Not good enough for myself. Failing to reach my goals and to figure out why I constantly sabotage myself. I wish I knew.
I do not make a good pregnant woman. 80 pounds overweight and struggling with morning sickness does not help my internal struggles. I seem to look forward to when I can reach my goals and get “where I want to be.” But is that healthy? Why not be happy and attain goals now?
Fighting a war should not be a solitary activity.
You aren’t alone.
You. Are. Not. Alone.
Keep your head up. Tomorrow is a new day. You will overcome!