Here is how I find myself:
I find myself in a bit of a funk. A rut. Whatever you want to call it. Not a lot is going on and that can be a good thing. This can also be a bad thing for a person who enjoys change and movement.
I find myself surrounded by piles of baby toys, laundry to be folded and hanged, and dog hair threatening to weave itself into a rug on my floor.
I find myself thinking a lot about the future, about life and death, and about what it means to be alive.
(Yes. diving into the deep end early tonight. I shall conquer all philosophical mysteries by 2am)
An elderly person arrests my attention and I am held captive to thoughts about what my life will amount to when I am old in age.
The question I currently pose to myself is this: What have I done, what am I doing, and what will I do with the time and talents given to me on this earth?
What is the meaning of my life?
What does it mean for me to be alive?
As I sit here typing this to you (as much to myself, as well), I am at an arm’s length away. I reach out to you through the vast expanse of internet cables and imaginary waves of technology. If I could, dear friend, I would stretch out my hand and shake yours in front of me. As it is, the computer screen separates us, leaving us both comfortable in our own homes albeit unable to embrace otherwise.
A computer screen offers a magnificent shield, does it not? One to get behind for to supplement or replace social interaction. One to get in front of to soapbox a cause and radiate information. From an arm’s length away, you can visit all manners of places throughout the world. You can travel to Europe in a few clicks of your mouse. A person can write a fashion blog in her pajamas in the comfort of her own bed.
I have come to adore my computer–I find it an invaluable tool to stay involved in the lives of my friends and family. A person can feel awfully important online, you know.
I adore my computer so much because it perfectly exemplifies how I have lived and how I current live my life: at an arm’s length away.
A person is supposed to feel like the main character in his or her own book, right? I feel as if I have a supporting role. For whatever reason, I also have come to feel as if life isn’t real—as if this is preparation for something else (You could say this is true, if you are a Christian and believe in Heaven and Hell).
I do not touch things around me and I do not let those things touch me.
I do not easily allow people into my heart or share myself with others. I suppose for fear of rejection or failure? I used to be scared to be myself around people because I was a bit of an odd duck. It has carried over into adulthood.
For as much deep thinking and philosophizing as I like to do, I would say that I am a shallow person. I spend my time in the shallow waters–not rolling up my pants enough to wade in. HEAVEN forbid that I get my feet wet or splash about.
How can I expect to have a full and enriched life if I do not actually live? If I continue to keep every person I come in contact with at an arms length from me, am I doing myself a disservice? Am I really loving?
Being adventurous to try new things can seem like a glamorous trait to have. I stick with what I know and therefore rarely like trying new things. New things are out of the norm. They are not tried and true. They could change my mind. New things could change ME.
Isn’t that a part of living?
Change is a good thing, I must remind myself.
Being open to new things is a good thing.
Letting people see the vulnerable side of me can deepen relationships. In doing so, a bit of humanity is shared.
A person who keeps a protective shell around him or her self is not affected by the world around them–no pain, no hurt, only tried and true recipes for personal fulfillment. However, that person is not able to have an effect on the world, conversely–to contribute, to give, or to share.
I feel as if I have a lot to offer the world. I have love to give. I have talents to share. I have opinions to throw out in conversations. I have a desire to make the world a better place–a world fitting for my daughter to grow up in and enjoy.
I find that after having Daphne, I have allowed more love in my heart than I ever thought possible. I slowly am learning to bring family closer to me and to reach out to them. I am on the road to being fully alive.
Being alive is more than just breathing in and out.
I am so blessed to have Sam, Daphne, Pax, and Ash in my life. My little family brings me so much joy. In their own ways, each member of my family encourages me to be myself and to make the most of every moment given to me.
I am amazed at how she has grown in these short few months.
What an amazing gift given to me: The ability to watch a child grow, learn, and experience life.