Closing one chapter to start another

Playing Bingo with the family!

ImageImage

Showing off our gingerbread houses!

Image

Ma, Kat, and I after getting our nails done did up and purdy.

Image

Daphne, darling.

ImageImage

Sam, Daphs, and I have been home now for 2 weeks. I am so thankful that we were able to fly home for the holidays to be near family and friends. These past weeks have been really good. We visited family and friends, we celebrated Christmas, and we have made lasting memories.

Our little family will be hitting the road Sunday morning to go cloud surfing. We’ll be back in Charleston and life will continue on. We’ll settle into our normal routine. We’ll sleep in our own bed. We’ll play with our pups, who I miss dearly.

I have been feeling different ever since having Daphne. I feel more love for family and appreciation for it. I understand the value of holding on dearly to some things and gently letting go of others.

Daphne has changed me. I feel that I am becoming a better person. I feel that I opening up more to others and letting more light in my eyes–even more so than before. I am so happy to be a mom and I can only imagine that this feeling grows within me.

I feel that a lot of things have changed for me internally. I have new emotions. I  have a new perspective. I have a new body shape.

I hope to get into a workout routine once returning back to South Carolina. I’ve been off my workout since coming to Kansas on vacation. This has taken a toll on me.

I gave myself free leave to not worry about how I looked, how my clothes fit, and how soft my body had become since having Daphne. That was just under 6 weeks ago. A few days ago, I noticed a bug in my ear. I felt a tug at my conscience. I heard that familiar voice I had heard many many times before. It told me all my fears and inadequacies. You’re out of shape. You’re flabby. You can barely climb the stairs without having joint pain. You are stressed. You are a different body shape. You aren’t doing anything with your life. You’ve failed. You’re a broken record.

I realized that I was starting to gain weight. I also realized that negativity was creeping into my heart. Defeat and frustration had set in.

Why is it that a woman is so quick to hate her own body? Sure, the media has a lot to do with it. Comparing oneself to another woman–skinnier and prettier, a smaller shoe size or poofier hair can unnerve some. I suppose it’s a disease. An infection of the mind. A distortion of body image and true beauty.

How does a person define beauty? How do YOU define beauty? I had found contentment in pregnancy with my body–confidence and sureness. I am now feeling inadequate and disappointed, realizing my empty shell of a body is not what it was and not what I want it to be.

I hold my dear daughter in my arms, Daphne Dear, and I am filled with so much joy. I read through my journal entries from when she was born and look through pictures and find myself smiling and tearing up. I am so happy with this little life. So much joy fills my heart for her. How is it that I can have so much frustration right next to love in my heart? It cannot be.

Yes. I’m hard on myself.

Yea, if I want something bad enough, I’ll put in the work.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not happy and darnit–I want to be happy. I want to feel beautiful and content with who I am. This battle is one I fought for years and one I will continue to fight.

My heart is sad when I think of this disease of my mind. I am saddened that I struggle with this so much.

What would it take for me to feel adequate? What would it take for me to truly love myself and my body? These are questions I ask myself and demand an answer.

What would it take for me to truly love myself and my body:

-a fitter and toned body.

-maintaining hobbies that I love (ink drawing, cake decorating, music).

-eating clean.

-finding and maintaining and positive self image.

-loving outward–doing more for other people.

These are things that make me feel good. As you know, we are creatures of habit and it sometimes is difficult to break habits. It can be a challenge to break free from old ways and even if you do, who is to say that you won’t start a new habit just as destructive?

There will always be more attractive people out there–more successful, more thin, more proactive, more (fill in the blank). Comparing yourself to other people can be a healthy motivator, but not when done constantly, which I fear I do–to my shame.

I feel as if I am missing out on so many good things and positive things because of this consuming issue in my heart. Why can’t I free myself from it? Why have I not taken this to my God in prayer? Why have I not sought counsel? I can’t say. What I know is that this seed within me cannot continue to grow.

I do not want Daphne to feel inadequate. I do not want her to feel ugly.

I’ve got a long way to go. Each day is new and finding a positive routine and good habits will prove fruitful. I am thankful for my husband who finds me beautiful and my daughter who loves me with such a purity that I cannot understand. I am blessed, though I know not the extent.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s