Not gonna lie: I’ve had a rough day.
I had an emotional evening last night and slept horribly through the night. Daphs woke every 2 hrs to feed and we changed her then as well. I changed the sheets in the bed and they felt different to sleep in. Sam woke me up to say goodbye and I was confused because I didn’t hear him wake up or get ready to leave. I asked him to change Daphs and soon after felt guilty because I should have known that he was headed out the door.
Daphs and I then spent the next 4 hours playing the pacifier game. She’d spit it out and make a fuss, and I would put it back in her mouth.
We spent the morning and afternoon with different agendas. My agenda was to sneak a nap in to catch up from the sleep I missed last night. Her agenda was to be awake, nap for 5 minutes every hour, and cry at a moments notice.
I paid attention to her closely, changing her diapers diligently and making sure she ate. I felt like today she fed me dry. I even tried to manually pump milk to see if I could get any and have any on hand just in case she didn’t get any from me later. When she fed today, she would get frustrated and open her mouth wide and wobble her head around frantically searching for my nipple. She’d suck for a few seconds and then start crying, searching for the lost boob tube again. This has been happening all day.
Dirty diapers…I never knew a child could produce so much poop. The good thing in all of that is that I am using cloth diapers and feel happy knowing I am not throwing away our money with the poop using disposables. I don’t mind the cloth diapers.
When she was napping for the fraction of time during the afternoon, I clipped her nails. It wasn’t as traumatic as I thought it would be.
I tell ya what though, I was worn thin today. Honestly, I still am. I am thankful for the two weeks we had of Daphne being quiet and sleeping throughout the day and the night. Perhaps tomorrow things will be different. Maybe today was a fluke.
Through it all, I am thankful for this little life. I am so thankful for being alive and that I can provide for her. It’s just a rough day and I hope it will pass.
Sam has offered to take her and rock her for me while I cleaned house a bit and got some alone time to just be away from the crying. I admit that I’ve cried most of the day.
I was in the bathroom and Sam came walking towards the door and he stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at the ground. He then made a circle with both of his hands and kept looking down. I asked “What?” He said “A giant spider…”
I threw him some toilet paper and he was able to capture it. I kid you not, this spider was the size of a half dollar and could pass for a miniature tarantula minus all the fur. After he flushed it, he made a joke or two about the spider and hugged me. I lost it. I started bawling in his arms. I’ve had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. On top of having my daughter cry incessantly and without remedy, I now have to deal with the prospect of being eaten alive by man eating spiders infesting my house. They are most likely running around the house as I type this preparing for their armored attack while I sleep. I won’t be able to sleep comfortably for a week.
The thing about today that upsets me the most is that I didn’t know what was wrong with Daphs. Perhaps nothing was wrong. Maybe it was just a growth spurt. Perhaps she was gassy. I was more frustrated by the fact that I didn’t know what to do to help her stop crying. I would rock her in the rocking chair and sing to her. I would walk around the house with her in different positions. I tried feeding her. I tried the pacifier. I tried putting her in the swing. I tried sitting with her on my lap. All of these things didn’t alleviate her moody behavior. As I said, Ihope this goes away soon and is a temporary thing. If not, Lord give me patience. I have a hard time coping when I know that there is a problem to which the solution is unknown.
I could have it worse. I am grateful for what I have. All the same, today has been rough. I could use a good day tomorrow. It is a new day, after all. I’ll welcome it as a fresh start and hope for the best.
My darling’s evolution through the day: